To Change My Life
by I'llbeme813
Summary: We can't change the past no matter how hard we try, but we do get to decide our future. ExB AH Rated M for language and possible lemons. Angst only in the beginning.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight**

**~!~**

**Edward's POV**

_You need to choose..._

Those four little words have haunted me since I was eighteen. A decision I'd have to live with for my entire life. I should probably explain why...

As a sophomore in high school, I had it all. Brains, good looks, athleticism. I was Forks High's golden boy. I was on all the teacher's nice lists. I'd also had a dark side. A side only the people I partied with knew about. I was a drug addict. It started in 8th grade when I was invited to a party. I smoked a little weed. Freshman year I found comfort in ecstacy and then sophomore year, cocaine. I never did heroin. For some reason that drug scared me.

Junior year, Isabella Swan moved to town with her family. They were from Phoenix Arizona. She had a younger sister, Alice and an older brother, Emmett. Her father was chief of police, Charlie. Her mom was the new kindergarten teacher. Bella was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I quickly asked her out and she said yes. Our first date came and I found myself needing a fix. I dragged her to a raging party where I knew I could get some cocaine. I left Bella alone with strangers while I went and did a line. I drove us to La Bella Italia afterwords.

Bella knew about the drugs. She didn't say anything though. She knew from experience that I would just get pissed off and ignore her for the day. It was the end of Junior year that I almost changed for her. Almost being the key word. She drove to my house when my parents weren't home. I thought she was coming so we could have sex, I was wrong. She told me that she was pregnant. That she was scared but she wanted to keep the baby. I agreed with her. That night, I went out and snorted more cocaine that I'd ever had. Bella called me and asked me to pick her up from her friend, Rose's house. They'd had a fight about the baby. I made it to Rose's house... Halfway home I completely blanked. I lost all train of though and the car went off the side of the road. We flipped twice before hitting a tree and stopping. After that, I blacked out.

I woke up in the hospital. My left arm and leg were covered in a cast. I'd broken my thigh and my upper arm. When I was fully awake, I asked about Bella. I remember that the silence was deafening. It scared me. I'll never forget the pain. It was worse than the injuries themselves...

_-Flashback..._

" H-how's Bella?", I stutter. Dad looks at the floor and Mom puts a hand over her mouth to keep in a sob.

" Edward, the tree hit Bella's side of the car. Her head knocked up against the class and knocked her out cold. She has a major concussion, her right arm is broken and her shoulder is dislocated. And um...She um...", tears fill my dad's eyes.

" What? What wrong?", I feel my heart speed up.

" She was six weeks pregnant...The baby... The baby didn't make it, Edward. Bella had a miscarriage.", My dad's voice is shaky. I feel the blood leave my face. It's all my fault. The baby is dead because I couldn't stay away from cocaine. It's all my fault!

" N-no. T-t-the baby's fine! They'll be here in seven months! You're lying!", I yell. It's the only thing I can think of to do. Dad shakes his head.

" I wish I was son, I really truly wish I was. Bella is devastated, she's not letting anyone in her room until she sees you. Son, she thinks losing the baby was her fault.", Dad sighs.

_Flashback End_

I helped Bella out of her depression. We went to physical therapy together. We went to regular therapy together that helped us in mourning our baby. Bella was never the same though. As Bella started getting better, I started to get cravings. I was clean for about five months... Then I went to James Hunter's party. Three lines of coke, some weed and ecstasy later, I was back to my old self.

At our graduation ceremony, I was already planning how many lines I'd do. Bella walked up to me and asked to talk. It was there that she told me to choose. Either her or drugs. I was so pissed. She'd never made an issue of it and now she was forcing me to pick a side. I yelled at her. I called her a bitch and asked why she cared. Her response is one I'll never forget.

" _Why do I care? How about because this little habit of yours nearly killed us Edward! It killed our baby! I can't lose you too! So choose Edward! You have to choose! Either me or the drugs."_

It was the first time she'd openly admitted that she thought it was my fault that she had a miscarriage. My response to her was the lowest momemt of my life. The thing I regret more than anything.

" _I'm happy it killed the baby! We were fucking seventeen years old Bella! We couldn't be fucking parents! So you know what, leave. I don't want you anymore! You're nothing but a bitch who's been trying to ruin my life since the moment I met you."_

It's something I can never take back. But I would if I could. I'd be there for Bella. I'd get sober and I'd promise her forever. That never happened though. I realized my mistakes too late. She was already gone. She went to Dartmouth and left me here with the scum of Forks. I got my head out of my ass a year later when I overdosed. I cleaned myself up. I went to Udub and got a degree in counseling. I council teens who've been through the same situations I have. Losing babies, either through adoption or miscarriage, drugs and depression. I tell them all the same thing... We can't change the past no matter how hard we try, but we do get to decide our future.

**~!~**

**Sooo What did you think? Is it worth it to continue or should it just be a one shot?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

**~!~**

**Edward's POV**

" Angela, it's not your fault. Everything happens for a reason.", I rub the sobbing teens back. Today is group therapy. Some teens get together and talk about what's happened to them. Almost everyone has a different reason.

" How? If I hadn't asked Eric to take me to the movies, he'd still be alive!", She cries. Angela went the the movies with her boyfriend, Eric. While they were walking back to his car, a guy pulled a gun on them. Eric gave them everything but it wasn't enough. He shot Eric in the chest and he died before the ambulance got there. Angela is in therapy for depression and her nightmares.

" It wasn't you who pulled out the gun. It wasn't you who pulled the trigger. There's nothing you could have done." I say in a soft voice. She nods her head but I can tell that there still hasn't been a breakthrough with her yet. I look at the clock and notice that the time is up.

" Alright guys, I'll see you all next Wednesday. Have a good week.", I tell them all. They mutter their goodbyes and leave. I sit down and sigh.

All I want right now is to go home and sleep. I have a 5 o'clock appointment though. A kid named...Alice Brandon. She's 17 and her parents died. Her half sister has custody of her. She's angry and depressed. At 4:55 she walks in. She's dressed in all black and has a short pixie haircut. Her lips are bright red. I can tell that her blue eyes used to shine with excitement but now they're just empty pits.

" You must be Alice. I'm Edward Cullen, your councilor.", I hold out my hand. She shakes it and sits down.

" So I guess I'll just start talking... Um, my parents died four months ago. We were on our way to visit my half sister. The roads were slippery but Dad was a good driver so we didn't worry. Everything was fine, until... Until some drunk asshole decided to drive. He slammed into my dad's side of the car. It wouldn't of been so bad if there wasn't a small cliff next to us. We went over the edge. The um, the doctors said Mom died on impact and Dad died a few short minutes after. I got a broken arm and about forty stitches. I lost my baby... I hadn't told my parents yet. I was thirteen weeks pregnant. My boyfriend, Felix didn't want the baby. My sister, she um, she lost a baby when she was seventeen. Almost the exact same way I did. I was just farther along than her. My sister tried to help me but...It wasn't helping so they recommended I come here. I guess that's it.", She lets a few tears fall. I decide to tell her my story.

" I started doing drugs in eighth grade. Every year I escalated to a new drug. Junior year, I had a girlfriend. At the end of the school year, she found out she was pregnant. She called me later and asked me to pick her up from her friends house. I was coked up. I made it there and picked her up. On the way home I just blanked. We went off the side of the road. I flipped the car twice before we hit a tree on my girlfriend's side. I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital with a broken arm and leg. Our baby died. I was clean for about five months. And then, I got dragged back into it. At graduation, she made me choose. The drug or her. I said some things that I'll regret the rest of my life and I chose the drugs. I finally got my head out of my ass when I overdosed a year later. I haven't touched drugs since.", I wipe away a stray tear.

We continue talking for the next hour. We learn more about each other. When Alice leaves, I pack up and head home. My roommate, Emmett wants to go out but I decline. I tell him I don't feel well and I'll go next time. He agrees and heads out. I sit back and think about Bella. The way her hair had so many different colors when she sun hit it. Her deep brown eyes that you could read like an open book. Her creamy pale skin that smelled like strawberries. How much I loved her and what a fool I was to ever let her go. I fall asleep to dreams of Bella. Dreams that could have been true if I'd only stopped using the drugs. Us playing with our baby, holding it. Marrying Bella and spending the rest of my life with her. I ruined it though, and the dreams become nightmares and there's nothing I can do to make them go away.

**~!~**

**Soooo What did you think? Review your thoughts!**


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